Archive for Dutch
December 14, 2009 · Filed under Dutch, Entertainment
The New Yorker this week ran a very troubling comic. Have a look, but resist the temptation to jump to conclusions:
It’s content, generalization, and motives are highly offensive, however transparent. Lets review.
- Just because the kid is holding his finger in a crack doesn’t mean he’s Dutch. That would make most of the guys in New York and San Francisco Dutch, and that’s not probable.
- The kid is obviously dressed in Lederhosen. Lederhosen are German. There is the matter of Germany having occupied the Netherlands. It is not OK to confuse invaders with the invaded. That’s like calling Europeans…I mean, that’s like calling Romans…, I mean that’s like calling Turks…Well, maybe it is conventional to confuse invaders with the invaded, but it still not OK, and it still pisses me off.
- I’m going to assume this comic is poking fun at the kid who stuck his finger in a dike to plug a hole. Dikes hold back water, so his intent was to keep water from leaking through the dike. So why is the kid holding his finger in a wall? Is he heroically trying to keep air from escaping from China into Mongolia? If so, he has the small matter of the air moving freely across the top of the wall to worry about first. This kind of misplacement of priorities is atypical of the Dutch and more prominent in Belgians. But Belgians don’t wear Lederhosen.
Based on the above observations, I can only assume the comic’s intent is to deliberately start a war between The Netherlands, Belgium, and Germany. Of the three, only Germany has a history of aggressiveness, so my only conclusion can be that this is the work of a Neo-Nazi bent on world domination.
Suffice it to say, I’m very disappointed in the New Yorker for not seeing through this obvious trick.
August 11, 2009 · Filed under Dutch, Entertainment
Let me get that straight before I even start. On a personal level, when I’m sitting in traffic, the last thing I care about is if the dumb ass in front of me 
believes actors can do it on cue, whether or not all those who wander are lost, or whether their dog is their copilot. I operate on the premise that those who don’t know me don’t give a shit what I think. I expect reciprocity in this matter, and thus principally don’t believe in bumper stickers.
That said, a friend from work recently left for a vacation in Cannon Beach. I received this email from him:
No pictures, no movies – just thoughts.
So I drive through all two blocks of Cannon Beach, all of which are dedicated to the Beach – Kites, bikes, sand castles, and more.
I’m getting into ‘Vacation’ now, and looking forward to going to sleep with the waves riding up on the beach.
As I pull into the hotel parking lot, I get stuck behind a car that won’t seem to turn – and I have no idea what’s going on.
While I’m waiting, I notice a bumper sticker – “I see Dutch people”. [sigh]
First lesson of my 2009 vacation – no matter how far you go, you can’t escape the Dutch Monkey.
I think we can all agree that I need this bumper sticker. Accepting donations now.
December 5, 2007 · Filed under Dutch
Today is a pretty important day in the Netherlands. December 5th is the eve of Sinterklaas, or “Loot Day”, as I like to call it. 
December 6th is Saint Nicolas’s birthday, and every 5th of December he and his “helpers” travel through the Netherlands to deliver gifts to all the boys and girls. In yet another example of the many ways the Dutch have shaped American culture, Santa Claus is derived from the Dutch name for Saint Nicolas, Sinterklaas. We gave you the best holiday of the year. Take that, beeyatches.
Although the tradition of a saint delivering gifts to children across the land is shared by both the American Christmas and the Dutch Sinterklaas, the style of the gift-giving is very different. I can’t really speak first-hand about how a typical Dutch family celebrates, but I am to understand it’s fairly similar to what my family did.
The evening starts off with singing various songs, among them “Zie Ginds Komt de Stoomboot” (“Look Here Comes the Steam Boat”), “Zie de Maan Schijnt Door de Boomen” (“See the Moon Shines Through the Trees”), and the all-time classic, “Sinterklaas, Kapoentje” (“We Made Up the Word ‘Kapoentje’ to Rhyme With the Word ‘Schoentje’”).
When we were children, my dad would leave the room after we sang to go work on the car, which always had engine trouble on Sinterklaas. Shortly thereafter, Zwarte Piet would throw pepernoten into the living room through open doors and windows. This had the effect of sending me into terrified hysterics. Most of my memories of this activity involve me hiding behind the couch crying. And, as far as I can remember, I never connected the engine trouble with Zwarte Piet’s arrival.
After the pepernoten, we sit down to fresh-baked rolls for dinner. To our “surprise” and “delight”, we each discover a small, rolled-up note inside our roll when we cut it open. Upon the note is found a riddle, the answer to which reveals the location of the evening’s first gift. We all scurry off around the house to retrieve our gifts and return to the table to open them. We finish the meal before festivities continue. As a child, this felt like standing in front of the toilet after drinking seven strong cups of coffee and being unable to get your pants undone.
After dinner, the real festivities really kick in. This is where it gets to be really fun. Traditionally, the Dutch make what are called “Surprises” (pronounced “sur-pre-sus”) which consist of a gag gift and one or more clues which lead to the actual gift, or a poem. A Surprise with a “gedicht” (poem) makes as much fun of the receiver as possible; no holds barred. The harsher, the better. The receiver then has to read the poem aloud while everyone else listens.
Due to my dad’s position as family alpha-male, he has always been a prime target from all sides. Anyone who knows him knows his lifestyle does not leave a paucity of ammunition. My grandmother has always been particularly good at this, writing such clever poems that we would usually have to take breaks while he read it to catch our breath from the laughing fits. Let me put it this way: sarcasm is not lost on the Dutch.
A Surprise that involves a gag-gift usually needs to be disassembled in order to find the riddle that instructs the receiver of where to find their real gift. A classic example of this was Michelle’s first Sinterklaas with my family. At the time, she was working in a medical research lab as a lab scientist. Michelle received her Surprise from my mother: a small, low dish filled with a green slime with a slip of paper at the bottom. Accompanying it was a note that read, “There’s something fishy in this here petri dishy.” Michelle had to dig through the slime (Jell-o) to get the note out and retrieve her gift.
What is particularly nice about this style of gift-giving is that it really encourages the giving of thoughtful gifts. There is usually less gift-giving, but everyone waits their turn and pays attention to the others while they open their gifts; everyone joins in the enjoyment of each gift as it is being given.
Here is an alternative perspective on Sinterklaas:
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In any case, Gelukkig Sinterklaas!
December 4, 2007 · Filed under Dutch, Photo Album, Trips
I’ve been back from the Netherlands for about a week now, but have been too busy to put together the photo album from the trip. Thankfully, I
had some procrastinating to do today and was able to get right to it.
Apart from us both getting sick, we had a great time running around my home country. It is always a pleasure to be in Europe, but to have the chance to show Michelle my favorite places and spend time with family that we see all too infrequently was a real privilege.
Here is a high-level overview of our trip:
Day 1: After delayed flights and the usual confusion brought on by being in UnAmerica, Michelle and I finally met up at our hotel in Amsterdam. Thrilled to see each other, we popped out for dinner and enjoyed a nice bottle of wine. After dinner, I brought Michelle over to a Snackbar that I had spied with my little eye while trying to find a parking spot. Michelle was introduced to the almighty Croquette. And it was good.
Day 2: My cousin Jochem, who lives in Amsterdam, met up with us in the city center and took us around to his favorite places in town. Amsterdam is a wonderful city and, although it is a small city by many standards, it has so many distinct neighborhoods and such a diverse culture that it feels larger than it is.
Day 3: We traveled a sixth of the way across the country (about fifty kilometers) to Delft, my favorite city on Earth. We started the day by popping down to the market to score some fresh stroopwaffles. Michelle’s life will never be the same. After that, my Uncle Gijs and Aunt Vibeke took us to the Kinderdijk, which is a windmill museum in the province of South Holland. We had lunch in Schoonhaven before returning to Delft to have dinner with my cousin Barent in Leiden.
Day 4: We kicked around Delft and took Gijs and Vibeke out to dinner.
Day 5: We went to Amsterdam to meet my cousins Deborah, Folkert, and Coen and spent the day walking around town, visiting cafes, and shopping. The big event of the day was taking a boat tour of the canals in Amsterdam with a racist boat captain who was so thrilled to have actual Dutchmen on the boat that he spent the boat ride spewing racist jokes at us.
Day 6: We had a ‘rest’ day at my Aunt Doortje and Uncle Max’s house in Utrecht. My dad is knowns as a bit of an over-packer, and traditionally takes up a minimum of three rooms while repacking suitcases. Not one to disappoint family, Michelle and I arrived with the maximum number of suitcases allowed by the airlines, and proceeded to occupy the requisite number of rooms while trying to figure out how to get all our things packed into the right suitcases (this goes to India, this goes to Seattle, etc). My cousin Welmoed, who has since moved to New York City, Jochem, and his girlfriend Anette all joined us for a wonderful dinner in town.
November 15, 2007 · Filed under Dutch, Entertainment
The Dutch are not known for being “warm” people. My grandmother still prefers to shake my hand over having 
me give her a hug. I think it has to do with nearly our entire country being 10 meters below sea level; the strategy centers on the assumption that being cold will make you float better when those dikes break.
On top of that, I was raised in Minneapolis, MN. I always thought Minnesotans were a friendly lot; people even use the phrase “Minnesota Nice” to describe us. I didn’t realize until I left Minnesota that “Minnesota Nice” facetiously means “Minnesota Ice”.
Given this background, I’m not exaggerating when I say I have a large personal bubble and I become very uncomfortable when someone invades what I like to call “Franktopia”. It’s like what they say about Grizzly Bears: if you can see one, you’re probably too close. (As I write this I realize the analogy goes a little farther; you would probably feel better if you had a can of mace on you, as well. It is also not advisable to make direct eye contact. The sign of a good analogy is that the farther you take it, the better it works.)
To the point, the client where I’m working right now is on the third floor of a building whose elevator is powered by two gerbils in an exercise wheel. As I was returning to the office yesterday afternoon, I noticed a woman running towards the elevator as the doors were closing. Since I was raised with good Dutch manners, I held the door for her. She thanked me as she entered and proceeded to stand directly next to me, nearly pushing me into the corner.
Since most people are clever enough not to take the elevator and use the stairs instead, we had the entire elevator to ourselves and I was already standing on the far left. I’ve been in the elevator with eight people and didn’t feel as crowded as I did with just me and this woman. I don’t appreciate being able to make an educated guess about what conditioner a total stranger is using.
As soon as someone invents a Personal Bubble Force Field Generator (PSFFG), I will be the first to order one. And, since I’m guessing that once we invent one of those, light sabers will be right behind it, I’ll pre-order one of those, too. With a green blade.
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