Archive for Politics
August 1, 2007 · Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Seattle
As I glanced through the Official Local Voters Pamphlet that arrived in the mail today, I realized that I am nowhere near my 
Coolness Potential. There’s some dude here in Seattle who kicks so much ass, it’s hard to keep from getting dizzy. His name is Goodspaceguy Nelson. Here is a guy who is so cool that his old name wasn’t cutting it anymore, so he changed it to Goodspaceguy. He is running for King County Council Candidate, County District Eight. I have no clue what his platform is, but I have a hunch it has to do with liking Space. Sounds good so far. But lets not get carried away. We need to judge this matter dispassionately.
First of all, notice his picture. One word: awesome. Check. Next, review his statement:
People-with-problems have difficulty finding employment. Let’s raise the living standard and quality-of-life…Competition is good. King County should not hand Boeing Field over to the Port.
To glorify King County, ask that governments make it easier to make movies here. Let’s raise the living standard by getting a larger percentage of our people working. Employment cures many problems and helps some homeless people buy vans.
Governments should make showers available to our people and should give employment as helpers to minimum wage applicants. We could then open our libraries more and investigate more crimes…Unemployment is a huge waste.
Goodspaceguy studied at universities in Germany, Sweden, and America. Goodspaceguy earned a university Master’s and a Bachelor’s degree..
My first thought is, he must have said to himself, “Well, if George W pulled it off, then I’m trying.”
I’m not sure who he’s talking about when he says “people-with-problems”. This could be anyone. I’m guessing he’s referring to people who like blue cars. In that case, I agree. 2-0 for Goodspaceguy. Next, I totally agree with not handing Boeing Field over to the Port. I’m not a pilot myself, but I can imagine that having the airfield under water in the port would make it tricky to land and take off. Check. 3-0 for Goodspaceguy. Second paragraph is a no-brainer. Movies rule. 4-0 for Goodspaceguy.
Now we get into the real meat of his platform. Minimum wage workers who shower = more libraries and crime investigation. I’m surprised not more people have made this connection. 5-0 for Goodspaceguy. Unemployment is a huge waste. Duh. And we’re at 6-0. Goodspaceguy went to school. 7-0.
So, obviously, I’m on board. If this guy keeps on the same Coolness Trajectory, he’s going to have to change his name to Kickingassandtakingnamesamesspaceguy. And, I’m betting he does that before I get cool enough to change my name for the first time. Name suggestions welcome. Names on this list are excluded.
Read his full statement here.
July 12, 2007 · Filed under Politics
As Michelle and I sat down to breakfast this morning, our appetites were ruined by the unpleasant surprise of Dubyah showing up on TV 
and giving a speech. Does he really have to do that so early in the morning? I believe people deserve to digest before being induced to vomit by listening to the Presitard talk about things he doesn’t understand. Since I instinctively turn to drink at the sound of his voice, I would like to see these speeches presented in the evenings. Now that I think of it, though, I suppose I could keep a bottle of prosecco on hand and have a mimosa. That’s called “being flexible”.
Getting back to the speech, I suppose the benefit of not drinking is that I can remember the stupid things he said. Today’s speech started out with a few nice words about the departed Lady Bird Johnson.
Yesterday America lost an extraordinary first lady and a fine Texan, Lady Bird Johnson. She brought grace to the White House and beauty to our country. On behalf of the American people, Laura and I send our condolences to her daughters, Lynda and Luci, and we offer our prayers to the Johnson family.
On the surface, it sounds pretty good. His delivery has really improved these past few years, hasn’t it? It looks like those remedial high school speech classes he took recently have really helped out. You remember: glance at your notes, read a few lines, then make sure you finish your thought while looking at your audience. Because that shows that you’re not reading the entire speech from your note cards. Did anyone notice, though, that he looked up while saying “an extraordinary first lady and fine Texan” and had to look at his notes to remember her name? Kinda takes a little “something” away from the heartfelt message, don’t you think?
Personally, my favorite part of the speech was when he condescendingly sympathized with our frustrations of being tied up in a war that we started preemptively over falsified reasons.
First of all, I understand why the American people are — you know, they’re tired of the war. People are — there’s war fatigue in America. It’s affecting our psychology. I’ve said this before. I understand that. This is an ugly war. It’s a war in which an enemy will kill innocent men, women and children in order to achieve a political objective. It doesn’t surprise me that there is deep concern amongst our people.
I’m going to ignore the grammatical genius in his phrasing because I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew. I’m also going to ignore the fact that he still doesn’t get that America is a continent, and that our country is the United States of America and that there are other countries here. Countries that don’t start wars for no reason. Instead, I’m going to focus on his recognition that this is an ugly war. Just this particular war is ugly, right? Because most wars are beautiful. Poets write about “beautiful” wars all the time: singing, dancing, and picnics by the light of napalm. I’m also confused about whether he’s talking about us or them when he says, “it’s a war in which an enemy will kill innocent men, women and children in order to achieve a political objective.”
All that aside, I appreciate that he made a karate-chopping motion towards his head at the mention of the word “psychology”. His satisfied smile after the gesture shows his confidence that psychology affects the mind. He feels good about having clarified the matter for those of us listening who might have been confused.
All this leaves me wishing the real Bush was more like the Farrell Bush.
May 4, 2007 · Filed under Politics
I’ve often wondered why Bush lovers seem crazy. It turns out that the answer is simple: they are crazy. You may have 
noticed this while speaking to a Bush supporter when they say things like, “It sure is a good thing we’re at war with Iraq” or “The war in Iraq could really use more troops” or “That Bush sure is a great bongo player.”
According to Bush’s hometown newspaper, researchers followed lunatics through the voting process in 2004 and found a “correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for President Bush. The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush.”
As if that’s not good enough, Bush supporters aren’t just crazy, they’re morons. “Bush supporters had significantly less knowledge about current issues, government and politics than those who supported Kerry.” I guess not enough stupid nuts watch the Daily Show.
(Side note: This reminds me of that timeless Sofa King We Todd It joke.)
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