Some people appear to have excellent timing. I assume what is really happening is that they can control the flow of time to their benefit, and I’m actually just the butt of some complicated practical joke.

Take yesterday, for example. Michelle and I were having coffee at Cafe Arosa near Michelle’s office on First Hill. Hans, the guy who runs the coffee shop, is a hard-core older Swiss gentleman. He makes his mochas using chocolate that he shaves from a giant hunk of chocolate with a butcher’s knife. Take that, Starbucks.

We ordered two iced mochas, a panini sandwich, and one of his magical waffles. The mocha’s were done first, and Michelle brought them outside to the table where we wanted to eat. She came back into the cafe to wait for the waffle. We were both standing around spacing out, leaving the table outside unguarded.

Hans noticed this and said, “I’m surprised no one has taken you coffee yet.” It hadn’t even occurred to me that someone would take our coffee. Suddenly aware of the risk, I immediately turned to look at the table just in time to see a hand reach out of nowhere and nick one of our cups off the table. Horrified, Michelle and I ran for the door and stopped the thief as he walked by. To my surprise, he didn’t look anything like how I imagined a coffee crook would. He was just some guy who appeared to be under the influence of some kind of substance. No zoot suit or Tommy Gun or anything. We confronted him and he replied that he “was wondering why someone had left two cups of coffee out there” and figured it was his civic duty to take one of them. Realizing that we probably didn’t want the coffee anymore anyway, we let him keep it.

We went back in and ordered another coffee. Hans was having a great laugh out of this, saying there was no possible way his wife would ever believe what happened. I think the sly devil is just trying to keep me off his trail. He’ll have to try harder than that, because I’m onto him. I know what really happened is he influenced the space-time continuum because he was bored.

By the way, after we got our fresh iced mocha, Michelle and I sat down to enjoy our food and coffee. A few moments later, the Coffee Bandit came walking by again, now also carrying a sandwich, which I’m guessing he also swiped. He apologized for taking our coffee, and we dismissed it as not being a problem. Michelle mentioned that she hopes he enjoys it.

“Actually, it could use some more ice.”